Thankful or not?

Today is Thanksgiving and though I know I should be grateful and thankful I am really feeling sad and depressed.  So much loneliness and worry has crept in today.  I am upset with myself for still letting food and weight rule my life.  I feel so blotted and full, not only because I ate so much food but also because I really stuffed myself today.  I stuffed those feelings, those tears, that heart breaking inside.... I stuffed it down to hide from my own self... Stuff with food, that is what I know how to do so well.... I have been toying with taking a class on nutrition and health to help me break free from these chains that bind me.  I am my own worse enemy and know that I hate where I am right now nd also know so well what I really have to do to change this situation before it is too late.  Well, need to turn off the light and get some sleep but really felt compelled to get that off my chest...
To be continued soon....

A time to give thanks!

Thanksgiving.... I am grateful for this life that we have.... Imagine the air that we breath, the rolling hills that we see, the sweet smell of nature, the crispness of leaves and snow on the ground below our feet, what a blessing we all have. Yet it is so easy to take forgranted.  Let us not forget we are all blessed and should be grateful for everything we have, we are alive and breathing, we are capable, we can make change if we desire, we are in control of our own destiny.  Be blessed, breathe deep and dream Big!  For tomorrow will not come again.  We only live once, show gratitude, happiness, and kindness along life's winding road.
Spread some loving kindness today, for it is all that we got as tomorrow may never come!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING and remember, give thanks today!
:)

Are you a skinny bitch?

So, since I last blogged... I have started reading the book Skinny Bitch.   It is an eye opener, so much of our food is contaminated with not just chemicals but disease!  It makes me sick just thinking about it.   Also, I have started reading another book about releasing your inner child.  
So much for "food for thought" as both books have my mind swimming with so many things.....
I also must state that I know what I have to do to break through this food cycle that I have put myself in of binging, starvation, dieting, binging, etc....
I love me, no matter what has happened in my life, no matter what blunders I have done or made, it all starts with loving myself.  I looked in the mirror this morning and told myself this and I plan on doing it every single day.  
There are certain things or times that people tell you to do things to help yourself that may not feel right or true but there is a saying about that, it deals with a self fulfilling prophecy.... do it until you believe it in your own self.  
So many of my friends have so much belief in me, so much more than I have in my own self, actually even my Dad had this too, he told me what if tomorrow never comes?  The people who make these changes in their lives have a whole new life.
I believe it, I know I can do this and I will do this.  God does not make junk and he made me.   So many people have told me that God has lots of things planned for me, so much better than now, I am ready and willing to go with his plan, Not my own destructive one.
Onward and upward people!  Love to you and yours!

Opposites?

Good Monday Morning to my Friends and Followers!
   I am posting today after having a stressfilled week and emotional one too!  However, something that a good friend said to me yesterday is on my mind.....  We were talking about my food challenges over the years and she said that I need to examine my psyche and figure out why I want one thing but do the exact opposite to stop it from happening.... I told her that is the same thing I heard from a psychologist several years ago.... that I want love but I push people away....  Therefore I have been muddling this over and realize that someone else also said this same thing to me, not long ago.   I know I need to make changes, I know what I need to change, I even know how I have successfully made these changes in the past.... Now the trick is figuring out how to get them to stick and I think this is the key.  Changing my mindset, thoughts and actions entirely to live a whole new life....
As my Dad told me before he died (bless him),  the people who have lost weight and made it to their goal weight have a whole new life.  
I know I am fearful of change and have trouble facing it in the face but I also know that I am fearful of staying stuck in this same predicament day in and day out.  
I need to figure out the best way to work on me and balance my life.  
I know already that meditation is a part of the answer.  
If you would like to help me on my mission please feel free to comment on what has helped you change when you are very stuck with things that are known and actions that you have done all or most of your life...
Thanks and have an awesome day!

Maggots and all....

Wow!  Did not realize how long it has been since I have  been on here.   Not sure why but since I last wrote I finished 2 interesting books,  My Next Step by Dave Liniger and Pouring Ketcup by Dave Cook.  They are both very inspirational stories and a must read!  
Anyhow, I am getting the cold weather blues lately. I'm really beginning to believe in seasonal disorder and the fact that I have it!  (No, I have never been diagnosed with it!)
The good news though is that Advocare has some great products out now for the holidays that are absolutely awesome!   Gingerbread meal replacement bars and Orange Cream Meal Replacement Shakes!  YUM!   They taste like creamsicles! 
Figures I would start talking about food... well, have to admit it has ruled most of my life... which is actually why I started this blog.  To try and figure out ways to change my life and patterns that have been established.   I know I have choices in my life and have not always made the best ones but I am trying to change for the best.   I hate the fact that I binge.... It is soooo hard to change this and it really is like a drug.  I have decided that I am addicted to sugar and the fake chemicals in food.... ugh!  Not good at all.  I know that at times when I have eaten clean for several weeks, I lost my taste for junk.   However, those changes have not lasted for long and I am constantly fighting this battle.   I hate myself a lot these days.   I once weighed more than 300 pounds and am thankful I am no longer that heavy but I am not as far from that as I would like to be.   It effects me in so many ways.  I do believe people discriminate against people who are heavy when they are looking for a job, yes, currently I am unemployed (again! UGH!)  I always thought I would be married, have kids, a great career, have traveled a lot and be happy by this time in my life.  I guess my time will come once I learn how to make some necessary changes in my life.
Sorry if this was too truthful and down for some of you.  It is the way I feel and just need to get it out there. 
I once read a book about eating disorder and the girl involved pictured her food as maggots... This helped her to stop from binging.  (Sorry to those of you with a weak stomach).
Think I will stop on that note.
Tomorrow I plan on playing a CD that deals with Meditation for Beginners!  A good friend does this on a daily basis and recommends it highly.  I have tried it but have never been able to keep meditating on a daily basis. 
I am going to do it this time though.  I believe in me!
Thanks for sticking with me through gore and all!  I appreciate my friends that are in my life!

New early morning yoga

So this morning I tried something new and went to a yoga class at the wee hours of 6:15 AM!  Yikes!  I was running a few minutes late but made it and was amazed at how difficult it was for me.   I realized I am really out of shape and need to get back on track.   As I was doing the exercises, downward dog and such,   my muscles were yelling at me as they were so darn tight.   My legs especially.   I made it through the class and talked to the instructor afterwards about my tightness and she suggested practicing some of the stretches at home.  
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Ok, well back to the real reason I decided to start my blog.   I want to be in the driver's seat of my life, not a passenger any more.  In looking over my life, I have come to realize I do things that are expected of me and what others think or tell me to do, instead of what my heart and soul longs for.   I have become so dissatisfied with my life and I feel that I need to start living for me, instead of others.   This sounds selfish but really it is what life is all about, isn't it?  Finding your passion and moving forward.   So, I am trying to find my passion instead of putting my wants and needs on the back burner.
I know already one of my passions is dance which I started back when I was grieving over the loss of my Dad.   Within a month after his death, I started ballroom dance lessons, never knowing how they could help me in my life.   I found through music and movement, I forgot about life worries and stresses and focused on my movements and the lessons.   I loved it!  I never realized the freedom involved in it!   I kept up with my lessons and even competed against myself and others.  Again, I loved the challenges involved in it.  
Unfortunately, I am not able to take lessons now as they are rather expensive but I am looking into salsa lessons which I have been told only cost 10 a session, quite a difference from $90 a lesson!
Enough for now, I am running out of things to write so will check in again soon!

The beginning???

Well, after years of a roller coaster ride.... Actually that is my life, but back to the point.... I am finally starting a blog.   I am not where I want to be in my life and it has been 50 yrs in the making....   I often wonder how my life could be different and try to make it different and am usually successful for a short time only to fall off the wagon once again.... Well, I know you probably are wondering what on earth I am blabbing about without being very specific.   There are several things on my mind and I have yet to figure out where to start so I am free writing.... Have you ever done that?  I find it helps me get my thoughts straight as they are scrambled so much of the time.   Anyhow, I really am dissatisfied with my health, career and life and really feel it is time to do something about it, instead of talking, talking and more talking about it.   Hence the blog to help remind me of the task at hand.   Currently I am unemployed looking for a satisfying job.  I am one of the many people on this earth that has had years and years of work that is just not fulfilling and not getting me anywhere.... Also, I do not remember a day in my life that I have not been overweight.   It would be interesting to walk the line and find out what it means to be at an ideal weight on a weight chart.... Hmmmm, is this possible?  I believe so!  Now, I have to engage my brain cells around this fact and keep working out and eating right to achieve some of my goals...
Well, I think this is a good start for today and I do not want to lose my audience before I even gain one.   Tune in for more in the next few days!  Thanks!!